People Pleasing tendencies and Respecting boundaries

Hey guys,  its a new day and I’m back with new topic yet again. But first lets come to the important question, did you guys miss me? Just kidding of course you did! I did too, hence why I am back so soon.

Well this topic is something I have been going back and forth for a long time because it would mean truly baring myself for a whole lot of you to see. I have always written from experience and being vulnerable in front of an audience is scary! Yet, I write in hopes that I might find people with similar experiences and somewhere find comfort in the fact that at the end of the day I’m not alone in my experience. 

All the people pleasers unite! 

Sorry, just trying to make light of this situation. Definitely shows humor is my coping mechanism haha! Anyways getting on with the topic, this post is actually inspired by an Instagram video I saw while I was doing my usual 2am scroll. Before you tell me yes, I know I need to sleep more but it’s usually those times where I feel like my mind is at maximum clarity. Seeing the video made me think more about the topic and although I knew I should write about it. I held back. This is again because I was definitely not ready to disclose this personality trait to an audience but I feel like I am in a better place these days mentally hence, I am ready to talk about it. 

Firstly, the textbook definition of a people pleaser by my dear friend google is “ refers to a person who has a strong urge to please others, even if at their own expense. They may feel that their own wants and needs do not matter, or alter their personality around others”

I do NOT consider myself as people pleaser, I just have these tendencies sometimes unconsciously being the kind of person I am. As I get older, I have gotten pretty good at understanding that my needs matter and knowing that I should be my first priority but still when it comes to loved ones the lines get blurred. Now, this would not be a problem if the receiving end respects you and your boundaries. It takes a toll on you, when you give so much of yourself till you can not anymore and you reach a point where your spirit is broken. This is a very dangerous place to be, because at that point all you can do is shutdown. I would hope nobody reaches such a dark place, because coming back from that is very hard. 

I want to list a few signs that I personally have observed in myself or other people with such tendencies:

• Feeling responsible for other peoples emotions most or all of the time. 
• Offering to take on responsibilities even though you are overburdened
• Fearing being labelled as "selfish"
• Struggling with low self-esteem
• Trying to conflict at any cost even if it means not respecting their own values
• Having a hard time saying no

Like I said I do not consider myself a people pleaser, but there have been times where I definitely did not respect my boundaries because I felt someone else's needs were more important than mine. Setting boundaries is important, be it in relationships or with yourself. It is important to know yourself and know when you need to take a step back. This I have realized comes only when you respect yourself and learn to say no. And no it is not selfish. While being kind is a good thing, pushing yourself when you are already on the edge will definitely leave you emotionally scarred and stressed. 

Before pinning down my thoughts, I talked to a dear friend and asked her opinion on the topic as well and according to her it can be conscious or subconscious. Even when done consciously it is not by choice and is definitely is not an enjoyable experience for the person. She also believes that people pleasing is not the same as brown nosing because most of the time the people pleaser gets no material/social benefit out of it. And I agree with her, most of the time it just results in very low self esteem and in extreme cases self hatred to a point.

I would just like to say nothing is more important that your peace and your mental health. Nobody else can advocate for your peace better than you. So, please start putting yourself first even if it is hard at first. Trust me, once you start thinking how can I make myself happy? instead of thinking of how can I make xyz happy? you will definitely see a positive change in yourself almost immediately! I know, inherently we want to bend over backwards for people we care about but in that moment I just want you to ask yourself how it made you feel. Did it leave you feeling empty? anxious? emotionally drained? If so, in what way was it worth it? 

Think about it. This might come across harsher than my previous blogs but this tough love is definitely needed. Especially, if you have been constantly putting others above yourself. I want you to know, you matter. Your opinions matter. Your feelings are valid. You are appreciated. So, stop thinking about others and start thinking more about yourself. Your happiness. What you like. What brings you the most fulfillment. What improves your life and adds value to it. Promise? I want you to make a promise to yourself saying that you will start taking care of yourself the way you take care of people around yourself. Sending lots of virtual hugs to anyone who has been a people pleaser in the past or is currently experiencing such tendencies. I know it is hard to snap out of it, but please for your sake try?

Remember, giving has a limit but taking has none.

Whoa, that got really deep! But definitely needed to put this out in the world not only to get this off my chest but also for a lot of my friends, family, peers who have at point or another felt this way. On a lighter note, I would like to say things get better eventually. I don't say this lightly because in the moment it definitely feels like the worst feeling in the world. But trust me in time and once you get in touch with yourself and your thoughts, the pain subsides. 

I know what you're thinking, I wish I had a Chai in my life xD because she's the best. You do have her! Just virtually haha not everyone is lucky enough to know me personally but hey, you guys come pretty close. Thank you for sparing your time and reading my thoughts yet again. To the people going through tough times right now with their jobs or life in general, I have you in my thoughts and am sending all the good vibes your way. 

Its a bye for now but I will definitely be back soon <3.