Validation. My thoughts and struggles with it.

Hey guys, its Chai here! I know I have been gone for a while but you see life happens and certain priorities change. But inspiration struck me this one night when I could not sleep and I decided to pin my thoughts on this very notorious word "Validation".

So, before I start I would just like to say this is my opinion and understanding of the word and I know people might agree and disagree with my opinion. Either way, please let me know your thoughts as well. I would love to read different point of views from you guys!

Lets get started!

So, I won't talk about anyone else. I want to talk about me and what validation meant to me and why for the longest time I associated it with my self-esteem and success in life. Oh boy! This is going to get up close and personal but I know I am not alone in this.

Being bought up in an Indian family as the academically talented eldest child means there are a lot of expectations from you. These expectations being both academic and behavioral. Throughout my life I always excelled in academics, I worked hard to get the best marks in class always. Why? Because it was instilled in my brain that good grades = good life from very early on. So, even a small dip in my grades affected my mental health in a way that makes me shudder just thinking about it. The more my grades grew, the more praise I got and by default led to me associating my growth with marks and in turn the validation that came along with it. Now, don't get me wrong, I am not here to preach and tell you marks don't matter because yes they do. But, they are not equated to success and do not guarantee a good life. There are a lot of things which play a huge role in deciding your growth, consistency being one of them. 

I get distracted so easily! I am such a rambler anyways growth is a topic for another time, let me come back to the topic at hand. Validation in the form of praise became super important to me. Especially in school and at home. I was happy when I got praised and depressed when I wasn't. Slowly instead of it being just a motivating factor unknowingly it became a need. This is where things get dangerous. Anything done in moderation is good but once it gets out of control it just spirals one into a dark place. It came to point where I could not even accept constructive criticism without being triggered. This statement alone explains how much I depended on validation to feel better. This need did not remain limited to academics, it slowly made its way into my life messing with a lot of relationships because validation at this point was becoming addictive. Mix this with my overthinking personality and voila, you have a recipe for disaster plunging my self-confidence to an all-time low. It eventually got better once I grew more emotionally and with age I understood where my priorities lie. Don't get me wrong, I am still working on it and there are still days when I am running around like a headless chicken but yes I have learned with time to not let it affect me as much.

I also wanted to know what my friends and peers thought about this concept. So, I reached out and it was so refreshing to read some of their point of views! With their consent I would love to share their thoughts with you guys. According to one of my friends, we seek validation because we as a species are socialized to live in communities and thus when we talk and share information with people, we are at the same time seeking to be understood. I could not agree more. In her opinion, validation is an expectation that comes naturally with communication. When we communicate, we want our perspectives to be understood by the other party. Thus, via talking we seek understanding and with understanding comes the expectation of validation. Validation not necessarily meaning agreement but more like "I validate you by hearing your thoughts." This was so eloquently put by her and I could not have said it any better! Mono if you are reading this, I love how your mind works!

In my opinion, I feel like all of us seek emotional validation in life. You could try denying it by saying that you don't need anyone and that you are your person but honestly we all need someone at some point to tell us that we are doing great and to believe in us when we don't even believe in ourselves. I feel really blessed and lucky to have such people around me! 

Even as I write this blog, I am filled with self-doubt. Is this too preachy? Is it too unfiltered? Still I have decided that I am going to put myself out there. Because, even if one person relates to me and finds this helpful, my purpose is served. Writing this article has been long due and feels really cathartic now that I am done putting it out.

My aim with putting this article out there is just to reassure you that seeking validation is okay but never I repeat never let it determine your self-worth. You are brave, strong and cherished by people. I hope you remember that and please reach out if you ever feel otherwise. My DMs are always open for you guys. These are tough times and we all need to be there for each other!

Thank you and I will see you with another topic soon!